“The negative view of self denies others the gift of oneself”
James Hollis, author
When we don’t have confidence, we can fall into the following pit falls, from Dr Robert Anthony’s book on the ‘Ultimate Secrets of Self Confidence“
- Blaming and complaining – we refuse to accept we are responsible for what happens to us. Blame vs. consider we must change, or we build others up by putting others down
- Finding Fault – We compensate for our own inadequacy by putting others down – proving us right and them wrong. We often don’t like in others what we don’t like in ourselves “I don’t like myself for doing that, so I can’t let XYZ get away with it”
- Need for attention or approval – looking for continuous reassurance that we are ok.
- Lack of close friends – don’t like themselves therefore feel separate or by being aggressive, overpowering, critical and demanding of friends
- Aggressive need to win – to prove ourselves by achievements – need to be better than
- Overindulgence – feeling deprived and hurt they seek mental and physical ‘opiates’ to dull the ache – food, drugs, exercise etc. It is a temporary cover for emotional pain and poor self-esteem. Overindulgence compensates feelings of self-rejection. It gives a temporary reprieve from facing reality, and the growing need to change habits
- Depression – when we think something outside ourselves is keeping us from having what we want. The frustration and anxiety in trying to live up to our own expectations and others causes to have low self-esteem
- Indecision and procrastination – Abnormal fear of making mistakes. Afraid of not doing what we ‘should’ and meet what others expect – so does nothing. Doesn’t make a decision for fear of not making the right one.
- Putting up a false front – feeling less than others so name drops, boasts, uses a loud voice, nervous or forced laughter, or material possessions to impress
- Self-pity – poor me because we don’t take charge of our lives – we’ve placed ourselves at the mercy of others. Permitted others to upset, hurt, criticise us and make us angry. Illness might be used to control – forcing others to feel sorry and give us what we want
- Suicide – the severest form of self-criticism. They are escaping from themselves.
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How to Feel More Confident
From Paul McKenna’s book – Instant Confidence
Gaining the Posture of Champions
- See a cord in your body that pulls up the head, body, and back
- Stand upright, and let it pull you up when you go through a door
- Visualise one successful experience
- Now think of someone who loves you and notice the feelings
- Compliment yourself
- With that confident feeling touch a part of you (e.g. a finger) when you feel it and repeat until when you touch that part of the body, your body and mind goes back to that experience (confidence switch)
- Anchor on a past positive experience
- Think of a new experience and imagine them going well
Posture of Power
- Find a point one inch below the navel and in the centre of the body
- Place a hand there – on the “one point”
- Think of a bad situation and focus on that one spot
Circle of Excellence
This allows you to get confidence before an event.
- Imagine there is a circle in front of you
- Standing outside decide what state of mind you want to be in, when you are ready for an event. Then “Remember a time when you were [insert your exact words] … go back to it… see what you saw then, hear what you heard
- Step inside the circle – and relive that experience. When the feeling is most intense then make the circle around you with your fingers
- Step back out and repeat with the future state. Think of a time when this state will be most useful
- Get into the circle and ask what the future state feels like, what you see and what you hear Now step out of the circle. And come back into the normal state
Building Instant confidence
- What would your posture be if you had confidence?
- How would your voice sound?
- What would you picture in your mind?
- Imagine a slightly more confident you in front of you – now step into that.
Read more at http://www.paulmckenna.com/confidence