29 Dirty Fighting Techniques in Relationships

When you have conflict in your relationship, how often do you use one or more of these 29 techniques. What does your partner use? 

How might we stop doing these techniques and move to a more productive way of dealing with difference – in sharing feelings and needs, rather than fighting dirty.Source: Life Skills International adapted from The Inevitability of Conflict.

1. TIMING
   • Pick the right time to begin an argument. Late at night, during a favourite TV show, after several drinks or just before your spouse has to leave for work are options. As a general rule, look for the time they least expect it or at least are unable to adequately respond.
2. ESCALATION
   • Move quickly from the issue to questioning their personality; wondering whether it is worth the effort to stay together (issue-to-personality-to-relationship). interpret the other’s shortcomings as evidence of bad faith and the impossibility of a happy relationship.
3. BROWN BAGGING
   • Try to list as many problems as possible in as much detail as possible. Don’t stick to the original issue; rather throw in all the problems you can think of. Don’t limit yourself to the immediate present. lf your partner cannot recall the offence, so much the better.
4. OVER-GENERALISE
   • Use words like “always” and “never” as in, “you are always late.” This is likely to distract your partner into discussing the over-generalisation rather than the issue and ensure further misunderstanding.
5. CROSS-COMPLAIN
   • Respond to any complaint your partner may raise, with one of your own. For example, “Me late? Why if it weren’t for the fact that you never have any clean clothes for me. If done properly, you can balance complaint against complaint forever.
6. CRUClALISE
   • Exaggerate the importance of the issue with statements such as, “if you really love me, you would never have done it in the first place, “or, “This proves that you don’t care.” Never concede that an issue is not absolutely critical and in need of immediate resolution.
7. ASK WHY
   • Asking “Why didn’t you clean up?” or “Why were you late?” will imply that there must be something terribly wrong with them, and that the issue is something more than some simple problem behaviour that might otherwise be easily resolved.
8. BLAME
   • Make it clear that the fault lies entirely with them and that once again you are simply the innocent victim. Don’t admit that your behaviour plays any part in the difficulty. Make sure they realize that they must change first.
9. PULL RANK
   • Rather than depending on the merits of your argument, pull rank by reminding your partner that you make more money, have more education, are older or younger, are wiser or more experienced in such matters. Use anything that will enhance your status at their expense.
10. DON’T LISTEN — DOMINATE
    • Any time you appear to be listening, you run the risk of suggesting that you value your partners opinion. Consider talking while they are presenting their case, pretending to read or falling asleep.
11. MIND READING
    • By deciding that you know the real reason why someone is acting in a certain way, you can avoid having to debate issues. For example, “You only said that to set me up,” or “You don’t really feel that way,” are particularly effective.
12. LIST INJUSTICES
    • This is a great morale builder. By reciting every slight injustice or inequity you experienced in the relationship, you will experience a renewed sense of moral self – righteousness. You can use this approach to justify almost any activity you have always wanted to engage in. E.g., “Since you went ahead and bought that, l can buy
13. LABEL
    • By labelling someone in a negative manner you can create the impression that they are totally at fault. Psychological labels such as “childish,” “neurotic,” “alcoholic” are particularly effective in obscuring issues where you may be vulnerable.
14. FORTUNE TELLING
    • Predicting the future can save you the effort of really trying to resolve problems. “You will never change”, or “lt would be easy for me to change, but you wouldn’t change,” are statements which can protect you from having to make any effort at all.
15. SARCASM
    • This is a great way of saying something without having to take responsibility for the communication. lf you can say “You’re so smart,” just right, you can imply that they are stupid and deny that you said it at the same time.
16. AVOID RESPONSIBILITY
    • Although not very elegant as a tactic, saying “l don’t remember” can bring the discussion to an abrupt halt. Alcohol or fatigue can serve the same purpose, as in “l must have been drunk.”
17. LEAVE
    • No problem is so big or important that it can’t be ignored. Walk out of the room, leave home or just refuse to talk. Sometimes just threatening to leave can accomplish the same end without the inconvenience involved in actually leaving. (This is not the same as a “Time-Out”)
18. REJECT COMPROMISE
    • Don’t back down. Why settle for compromise when, with a little luck you can really devastate them and the relationship. Stick with the “one winner” philosophy
19. PERSONALISE
    • Anyone can resolve a conflict if you stick to the issue. By shifting to personalities. you should be able to generate enough defensiveness to keep the conflict going forever.
20. PLAY THE MARTYR
    • If timed properly, this tactic can completely disorient the opposition. “You’re right dear l am hopeless.” Can stop them in their tracks. An example of a less subtle form is, “How could you say that after all I’ve done for you?” An extreme is to threaten to kill yourself if they don’t shape up.
21. USE MONEY
    • “if you made as much money as me” or “When you make as much as l do then you can have an opinion.” These are old favourites.
22. USE CHILDREN
    • “lf you spent more time with them, they wouldn’t be failing.” “Do you want them to grow up like you?” can always be used unless you are so unfortunate as to have perfect children.
23. USE RELATIVES
    • “You are just like your mother” can be used to break their concentration and undermine their confidence.
24. USE OTHERS
    • “Even says that about you” can back up your argument and make your case sturdier.
25. GIVE ADVICE
    • By telling people how to act, think and feel, you can maintain a position of superiority while insisting that you are only trying to be helpful.
26. GET EVEN
    • Don’t settle for a compromise or an apology. Hold grudges for as long as possible since you might need those complaints in future arguments.
27. USE TERMINAL LANGUAGE
    • For example; if you happen to be upset by the fact that the room is a mess, start with, “You slob” to suggest that it is their existence and their behaviour at question.
28. BE INCONSISTENT
    • Keep them off balance by changing your finish line. Try complaining that they never talk to you and then ignore them when they do.
29. MACHINE GUNNING
    • By continually throwing up questions, never allowing them to answer, you can keep them in confusion as to what you really are talking about.