Learn the lexicon of the other person

(lowndes) Know who you will be meeting –

Learn their lexicon / jargon
Know the issues that matter in their industry/hobby
Read their news and have shared topics
Give hooks in your words to help them continue the conversation

IF you are at an event, ask the host to introduce people – who they are and some facts about them

Become interesting by having hooks for conversation

Learn new things – once a month try something new and read new things
My Job “I help people to …”
Add current snippets of news
What would be interesting to them
What could they refer to
What could they buy from me
Could they hire me
Grab quotes and phrases and reuse
Rhythm / clever / funny / relevant
Prepare jokes for upcoming meetings and topics
Wear a ‘whatzat’ – a thing that can hook a conversation – pin / broach etc
Before giving news, assess how the receiver will take it

Feel comfortable by having some pre-prepared conversation openers

“Hello, I am XYZ, and you are …?”
“This is my first time here. Have you been before?”
“How do you find these events? “
“Have you travelled far?”
“And what line of business are you in?”

Going Deeper

(Bolles, 1982)

What is your philosophy in life? As you get to know another person, choose some of these heading and find out what your views and their views are in these areas – it will tell you if you have a shared philosophy.

Beauty	Celebration	Confusion	God
Behaviour	Choice	Death	Happiness
Beliefs	Community	Events	Heroes and Heroines
Truth	Compassion	Freewill	Human
Love	Moral Issues	Paradox	Purpose
Reality	Self	Spirituality	Stewardship
	Uniqueness	Values

Choosing your words to match their style

The first step is to learn what communication style someone is. A good starting point is to ask them how they got here, and look at their eyes. They will look to the side that’s about remembering, and the position will tell you if they are a visual, auditory or kinaesthetic thinker.

With that knowledge you can match your words to them.

Visual

It looks like

They may look away to build impact in their mind. They appreciate diagrams to explain things, and handouts

I can’t see the way out of this
I need a new Perspective
That looks good
I have a different view of the situation
We looked after their interests
Now look here

Typical words:

Clarify
Focus
Look
See
Vision
Perspective
Clear
Observe

Auditory

It sounds Like

I’m not in harmony
Does that ring a bell?
I hear you loud and clear
I’m glad to hear it
Let me explain
We’re in tune
Tell me what you hear
Everything just clicked
Clear as a bell
We’re on the same wavelength

Sound

Say
Tell
Volume
Listen
Loud
Tone

Kinaethestic

It Feels like

Need to check how they are feeling. They may find joint physical activities part of communication
Motion and feeling words

I feel stuck
I can’t get a grip on
I want to get in touch
That feels right
Warm Regards
Get a grip
Hold on
Solid as a rock

Touch words

Feel
Firm
Pressure
Relaxed
Rough
Solid

Audio Digital (self talk)

The process is

Often process words or can’t conceive the solution to their problem. Often processing and thinking through the problem. Can be a monotone voice and dissociated from their emotions

I know that.
Based on my research…
That makes sense.
I have to think about it
All the ducks are in a row (Order is very important to them.)

Process words

Process
Think
Know
Details
Organize
Cost-effectiveness
Budget
Tasks, charts, graphs

Sequence (Keep things in order. Follow the steps.)

Changing the way, you say things

(Bailey, 2006)

Choosing the right stress on words: just stressing a different word changes the tone. With the phrase “What would you like us to do about it?”

Saying it defensively (emphasising the words ‘would you’)
- What would you like us to do about it?
Saying it with curiosity (emphasising the words ‘like us’)
- What would you like us to do about it?
Say it with apathy (not emphasising any of the words)
- What would you like us to do about it?
Now try the same sentence with different pauses:
- What (pause) would you like us to do about it?
- What would you (pause) like us to do about it?
- What would you like us (pause) to do about it?
- What would you like us to do (pause) about it?
- What impact does each of these pauses do?
Now try it at different speeds:
- Try it slow – with confidence?
- And then fast – with anxiety.

The more upset you become, the shallower and quicker your breathing will be. When this breathing pattern happens, your vocal cords tend to tighten, making your voice go up and sound strained. So, slow it down and relax, reducing the pitch and calming the voice.

Having tried this out, now consider how you are received irrespective of the words you use.

Adjusting the volume

Match the volume of the room.

If someone is angry and speaking loudly, don’t yell back at the same volume even though it’s your instinctive reaction may be to do so. Instead, start out by speaking a little lower volume as the other, gradually bringing the other person’s volume down.
o With someone who is confused, speak a little louder than usual helps give them something to focus on and helps you control the conversation more easily
Avoid starting out a conversation in too loud a tone of voice as this may signal stress on your part and service to unwittingly increase the other speaker’s volume and stress level.
Match the other person’s speaking level. If they are talking fast, be faster than normal, and if they are slower, then do the same.
Match the other person’s intensity (or urgency of the situation). If they think this is urgent and a problem then being calm and saying the problem is no big deal, with irritate them, as they think you don’t understand.
Empathy and matching their intensity. E.g. ‘I’ll do that immediately’ implies they understand your pressures too.