What Beliefs (or Rules) do you live by?

Which Life Rules Match Yours?

Save Print

• Presuppositions from Neuro-linguistic Programming (McCartney, 2014)
  • Respect the other person’s model of the world
  • The Map is not the territory (i.e. what you see isn’t everything)
  • The Mind and Body form a linked system
  • There is no failure, only feedback
  • The meaning of your communication is the feedback you get
  • Choice is better than no choice
  • If what you are doing isn’t working, try something else
  • Behind every behaviour there is a positive intention
• Emotional Invalidation Responses by parents (McCartney, 2014)
  • You shouldn’t feel that way – squelching the child’s feelings
  • What are you crying about? – Children can’t really respond to this question because they are overwhelmed and simply don’t know the answer. It makes distress and sadness as invalid
  • You’re exaggerating – it makes the child distrust their perceptions
  • That’s not true – Don’t be ridiculous
  • You’re just like your father (relative) – it invalidates their own identities
  • I wish you’d be more like such and such (relative) – it tells the child is not good enough
• Negative rules or presuppositions might be:
  • Men don’t show emotion
  • You fail if you show anger
  • To be very clever (so I can take advantage of other people).
  • To get a lot of money (no matter what it takes).
  • Look after number one (yourself).
  • Do whatever I want (even if it is bad for me, hurts other people, or is illegal).
  • I just want to have fun.
  • See what you can get away with at work.
  • To get someone else to pay my bills.
  • To be very powerful and control the lives of a lot of other people.
  • To never admit to being wrong.
• The Child’s Voice:
  • Mine is better than yours – e.g. as adults “at least my desk isn’t such as mess as hers”
  • I want yours – e.g. if a friend’s success gets to you
  • It’s Unfair – The feeling of unfairness can be even more important when it is about time rather than belongings
  • What about me –
  • Voices of Complaint: Temper tantrums and deep sulks
  • Tidy desk, idle mind
  • Respect others
• Bible Based
  • We are made in God’s image
  • God has a purpose and plan for us
  • There is no condemnation in Christ
  • Jesus forgives sins
  • We forgive others, as God forgives us
  • We all sin, and fall short of the beauty of god
  • Judge not and be not judged
  • Hate the sin, not the sinner
  • I am worthy to my god
  • I am entitled to exist
  • I have my own identity
  • I am entitled to make mistakes and not be perfect
• Unhelpful Parental voices:
  • Stop moaning and groaning and get on with it
  • Hurry up, or you’ll get left behind
  • Be careful. Make sure you get back safely
  • Don’t interrupt
  • You can’t just have whatever you want
  • Don’t be selfish
  • Don’t answer back
  • You’re on your own now
  • Wait your turn
  • Never an idle moment
  • If you’ve started it, finish it
  • You’re clumsy, silly, a cry- baby, irresponsible, bad
  • You’re in the way
• Some positive thoughts and rules (James, 2008)
  • Your best is good enough
  • It is not your fault that you are who you are
  • Accept that the situation you are in is chosen by you, and you are a free agent with volition
  • Hope for the best and expect the worst
  • Don’t be scared of examining your failures as much as your successes
  • Don’t take responsibility for what is not your fault, or for others’ achievements
  • Embrace complexity
  • Tolerate contradictions
  • I will align my values with my life (i.e. I validate my views)
• Some life rules can come from unhealthy parental messages: (Stewart, et al., 1987)
  • Don’t be (don’t exist) – “I wish I’d never had you”
  • Don’t be you – Parents wanted the other sex. Continual comparison to other kids. “you are just like … “, “why can’t you be like ….”
  • Don’t be a child – There’s only room for one kid around here – and that’s me “You’ re too old to … ”’big boys don’t cry”
  • Don’t grow up – Often the youngest: “stay my playmate”, “don’t leave me”
  • Don’t make it  – Parents are jealous of child’s success. Child may do well at class but not exams.
  • Don’t (do anything) – “Don’t do anything because anything you do is so dangerous that you’re safer doing nothing at all.”
  • Don’t be important – Parents: “I’ll put up with having you around, kid. just as long as you realise that you and your wants are not important around here.” /”Don’t ask for what you want”
  • Don’t belong –  Parents who tell others the child is “different from others”. “shy”, or “Difficult”. Parents may model the injunction through their own social ineptitude
  • Don’t be close – “Don’t be emotionally close”, Variant “don’t trust”, Alcoholic – “I’ll stay away from you in order to protect myself’. Later when others accept him. he’s got feelers out for signs of rejection.
  • Don’t be well (sane) – If parents are only around when child is ill – “To get attention I want around here. I have to be ill”. Or parents continually say, “This one isn’t strong”
  • Don’t think –  Parents mocking child’s work, or “When women want to get something from men. they can do it by switching off thinking and escalating feelings”. Variants
  • Don’t feel – Some feelings prohibited but others allowed: “Don’t feel fear”. “Big boys don’t cry” or “don’t feel what you feel. but feel what I feel” (e.g. “I’m hungry. what do you want to eat”)
  • You don’t count – “I hope this happens to you, so it won’t happen to me”. E.g. If you don’t belong, then I can etc.
  • A Human doing not a human being – you only count because of your results at school.
  • “What are you sad about; there’s no reason to be sad